Flaps are out! Emergency declared in Pandikkad

-- Mumbai & Tiruondoram Correspondents

Hours after the ceremonious removal of the famous food flap that was afixed on Mr.JCB's bedroom door, from its one year faithful service, a state of emergency was declared in and around Pandikkad by the authorities, blacking out all independent television channels and filling streets with men in uniforms.

Dafna TV, the state driven channel of MCA community went blank, within an hour after the declaration of emergency. Thousands of civilians, who were eagerly waiting for the final episode of the mega serial “Ente Pathu” (written and directed by Koya) marched on the streets firing slogans against the dictatorship of the president Mr. Baduvez along with women and children carrying placards and banners denouncing the emergency and state sponsored terrorism. (In)Famous cultural activist Chakkarappoovan along with pop star Kothukini, lead the demonstrations.

However, Mr. Baduvez has denied the allegations about his dictatorship and autocracy. "This call of emergency is not for reassuring my victory in the upcoming elections, but for the benefit of our society and coming generations. In fact, this is against the FF culture, which has severely affected our traditions since its introduction by the business tycoon Mr. JCB. The major challenge before us now, is to effectively seal the FF hole, which Mr.JCB has left open. I find that hole more dangerous than an open bore well. This emergency will not be lifted until this cultural threat has been dealt properly”

It was on yesterday that Mr. JCB removed the controversial flap, yielding to the rigorous embargo imposed by his close relatives and friends. Only a few relatives, close friends and an elite class from the media had the honor of attending the function, which was a “strictly private affair” according to one of the invitees.

"The food flap was removed owing to the fact that the couple is now finding time to come out and dine with the family" - commented one of the relatives.

The idea of food flap was put forward and implemented by Mr. JCB himself. According to him, that way he was able to effectively manage his post marital time, avoiding the short trips for the in take of food and water. Since then, the idea has caught the imagination of the newly weds all over the world. Similar food flaps were affixed by prominent members of our society like Mr. Bindi Ayyo Ayyo, Mr. Payaru, Mr. Laskar and Mr. Kanji. The latest installation was reported for Mr. Tuttu Alias Koppa. It is also rumored that Mr. Koya has already placed an order for the same and is planning to have it installed at least one week before his marriage, so that he can get used to the idea.

Meanwhile, in a press note released today, Mr, JCB has announced his plans to patent the idea of FF and to take royalty charges (exact amount is unknown) on each installation of the FF. This statement has triggered widespread protest from AKKA (Aduthu Kalyanam Kazhinjavarude Association) . AKKA Chairman Mr. Bindi Ayyo Ayyo commented that the whole thing as “Outrageous - How could he think of patenting an idea that is largely benefiting the whole community, for mere monetary advantages?"

(Mr. JCB recently resigned from AKKA, after being voted out for Mr. Kanji for the position of Chief Secretary of the community). Meanwhile, the whole AKKA community is hoping that Mr. JCB will not go ahead with his decision for the patent.

Jargon buster
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Food flap :- an opening created in the door to pass food and water. It will have a rectangual metal/wood piece in hinges to cover the hole - like a flap.

Elephant trafficking: Technocrat obtains colossal support

-- Mumbai Correspondent

An IT professional from Pandikkad, named JCB Dujesh was caught red-handed by the International Airport authorities here at Trivandrum while he was trying to board an elephant into a passenger aircraft, that too, with a false passport. It was just a few minutes before the take-off, secret agents, under leadership of jumban & thumban rushed into the airliner and busted the giant passenger who had (by that time) made himself quite comfortable with his fellow passengers in the business class. According to the police, the elephant was heading to United States, using the passport of another IT professional, with similar features.

“I know nothing of it. I’m not at all involved in any sort of illegal activities like animal trafficking. I came here to see off my close friend, Mr. Duvin D’costa, who was flying to USA, for an eight week tour. I didn’t know that it was not him, but this elephant, that I waved good bye to” commented Mr. JCB, when the media asked him about the incident.

However, airport officials refused to accept these arguments. “We have clear evidence with us. This fellow had already given a warning. Just two months back, this guy was caught when he tried to send a Cock to Delhi using the documents of another IT Professional from Bangalore.”

By the time, many colleagues from his business community, including famous NRI figure and the chairman of INJI Incorporated, Mr. Inji came forward in support of Mr. Dujesh. “These kinds of confusion always occur in Indian Air ports. Last time when I was traveling from Calicut to Dubai, I was counted as a baggage”.

“My case was even worse” Mr. Bindi Ayyoayyo related his experience : “My wife was asked to pay a huge fine for carrying a live-size teddy bear along with her during the journey, when we both landed here at Calicut. Later, when asked about this, the authorities were willing refund my ticket charge, but they insisted on the fine amount.”

Having found “not guilty” after a detailed questioning, Mr. Dujesh JCB was freed by the authorities. Later, the aircraft continued its course to Singapore, delayed by almost 2 hrs, but with a much lighter stomach. The whereabouts of the original passenger is yet unknown.

Celebrity wedding: Violence breaks out in Bangalore

-- Mumbai Correspondent

"I was playing with my little sister, when I heard the sound of a noisy juice mixer. Then suddenly the sound changed and the smell of fried eggs filled in the air. Soon I realized that it was not from our kitchen but from the road, where an angry group of five men where manhandling our beloved Poovan uncle”. Malli, a 5 year old girl burst into tears when asked about the tragic incident she had witnessed - the “Black Sunday Gang Bang”, a surprise attack launched by the "Uncles Gang” in Bangalore.

It was on last Sunday that a group of five men, calling themselves as "Uncles Gang", set out wide spread violence throughout the city; just one week after the controversial wedding of former Miss MCA and female pop singer Kothukini with her undisclosed lover took place. This caused an outrage within the natives and at least 5 people injured in the counter attacks. Chakkara Poovan, who had been beaten black and blues by the mobsters as well as some natives, was admitted in a private hospital with sufficient injuries.

“It was the most unfortunate day for him. He was targeted and victimized by both sides. When the angry native mob somehow got the wrong idea of him as a member of Uncles’ Gang, things went worst”, Said his colleague and MCA opposition leader Mr. Pitty Chungathara.

According to Mr. Poovan, the first course of beating was given to him by the gangsters, when he refused to guide their way to the couple’s hide out. Before the Gang managed to take him with them, he somehow managed to pass the information to his room mate Mr. Jumpan that Uncles gang is searching for the couples and will reach to them in no time. Mr. Jumpan, immediately passed the info, to the couples with all the necessary details, such as the model, color and number of the vehicle used by the gangsters.

By the time the gangsters reached the couple’s hide out, all the natives were eagerly waiting for their turn. No sooner did the vehicle of the gangsters arrived, than it disappeared in the crowd. Later on that day, one of its wheels was found from a well nearby. Mr. Poovan whom the crowd misinterpreted as the leader of the gang, was showered with thousand kisses by the mob, thus to say.

"There is nothing new in loosing two or three teeth from my mouth. As a well wisher of all girls I am ready to sacrifice all my teeth if required. But what frustrates me is the fact that I was in no way connected with the issue. Like all wedding invitations I receive from girls, this also was no less shocking news for me”, said the Poovan

"What Mr. Poovan said could be true. But it is a known fact that the whole of MCA was expecting this since long time. We were all sure that her uncles will one day fondle him, but for an altogether different reason." commented Mr. Bindi AyyoAyyo.

Gangsters, who declared themselves as pop star’s uncles, were later arrested by the city police commissioner Moosa, with the help of MCA Secret agents, Jumpan and his trusted assistant Thumpan.

"Need Friendship? Ownership Minds!"

-- Mumbai Correspondent

Sounds like a page3 header? You are terribly mistaken! It's nothing else, but an open expression by a grief-hit heart from former MCA community-the famous MCA celebrity, Chakkara Poovan.

"If you really want to retain your friends, please be more careful while using certain words like 'Our', ‘Ours’, 'Mine', etc. A victim like me can only advice you!"

It was his first public appearance after the break-up of his long term business partnership with the earth moving giant JCB, last month. According to our Bangalore correspondent, it was after a 10 minutes' telephonic conversation with his ally, Mr. Dujesh JCB declared his withdrawal from the partnership. This surprising decision was followed by an utter chaos in the MCA Stock Exchange and business community. Even though several business magnets like Bindi AyyoAyyo * -(M.D.,Bin-Dee Associates) came forward for negotiations between the one-time allies, Mr.Dujesh turned down all the suggestions for an open discussion with his new rival. Even Mr. AyyoAyyo, an all time critic of Mr. Dujesh for his habit of mixing up personal issues with business, came forward with an open declaration that this time the boot is on the other foot.

“Even if the issue is strictly personal, comments like these cannot be entertained. Mr.Poovan must give up his habit of using the word “Our” while referring to any girl known to him.”

(Actual Malayalam words of Mr. JCB according to Mr. AyyoAyyo: “Onte aa nammde, nammade enna parachil nirthaathe oonodini varthaanam illa!”)

Mr. Poovan, who is now looking for a new business partner has made an open declaration that he is ready to accept Bindi’s proposal, but asked for some time to implement the change. (Rumor has it that Mr.AyyoAyyo, after his discussion with Mr.JCB is rethinking the offer he made to Mr.Poovan).

Meanwhile, Mr. Koya who always remained as a controversial figure in the group has filed a suit in the Chungathara High Court for the copyright of his Mega serial named “My Paathu” (Ente Paathu a.k.a Njanum, Paathuvum Pinne Njanum), against some natives of Chungathara.